I don’t know, it’s just so quiet. And stagnant. It’s like if I hold my breath for long enough time itself will freeze. Those are how my days are. I’ve still got my dastardly, destructive downs but by the time they’re over it’s as if they never even happened. Maybe the risperidal has started to work yet not as advertised, it’s not bad but not quite welcomed. My head feels exponentially heavy as of late, maybe that’s why my neck knows nothing beyond pain lately. Maybe I should take some codeine and go back to sleep. From getting next to none, to having my days defined by it and the unusual dreams which follow.
My snorting kit finally came in the mail. The question of whether or not it’ll ever get some use still stands.
My mom asked me to get on the housing commission waiting list (where the government places you in a home with reduced rent if you fall in the correct socio-economic category) so we could live together. She wants to use the fact that I am disabled to secure housing quickly, and for very cheap, as I’ll be the main homeowner. That idea makes me fucking sick. I’ve been wanting to get an apartment (most likely) somewhere via housing commission, but for myself so I can be by myself. I definitely don’t want to live with a woman who induced a psychotic break in me for so long. I can feel it resurfacing again, the psychosis - not that I ever fully recovered from the last episode.
My dad finally asked for a weekly rent, which is good and bad. Now I don’t feel like as much of a leech on the household, but at the same time, I’m going to miss the somewhat disposable income. I just wish he wouldn’t be so angry about the matter whenever touched upon; if it’s about money and specifically, money that goes to him he is always angry about it. He can’t walk into my room calmly and explain his situation, it’s knock harshly tear open the door, bark his problems at me and give me the ultimatum. The words used are fairly neutral, but the voice behind them definitely isn’t. He didn’t even need to say it to get across the fact that if I wasn’t agreeing with his set amount and his terms, I’m getting kicked out. Again.
Maybe I should have gone to see Lil B last night. I could be having a very enlightened and blessed day otherwise.
Still swallowing the sorrows enough for them to tear and escape via the tear ducts in my face late into the night. This feels absolutely pathetic.
“I’ll dip my brain in medicine so that you can stand to be with me. I’ll dip my brain in medicine so that I won’t think the things I think. I’ll dip my brain in medicine so this kind of stuff won’t get to me. I’ll dip my brain in medicine so I can finally get some sleep.”
My little sister encountered very tense breathing problems earlier so we carted her off to the hospital and I sat for hours as we waited for some clarification and help. It’s all good, we’re out and home again now. My mother brought up things I’d rather not get caught in with her. Navan had been hinting at suicide for a week before the car crash. I am tired and hungry. I think I’m going to take a couple codeine infused pills and play Borderlands until crash time.
Cauterized nostril still bleeding. Send help.
I am going to punch in a wall. As well as having one of my teeth pulled out, one of my noseholes was cauterized on the inside today and the other, at some point next week. I was prescribed panadeine forte - which has a lovely little amount of codeine in it… And a lot of paracetemol. OH WELL, TIME 4 ABUSE. That, or the death of some innocent bystanders. Fuck this deep throbbing tooth pain.
12:10 tomorrow and I get this nose and nosebleed business looked at. Remember sometime last year how I was in hospital and after biting into something a part of my tooth broke off? It’s been fine up until ten minutes ago. Now even air illicits a response from the exposed nerve, so I’m going to have to get that capped or pulled or something. Bleh. Just as I was starting to have some sort of small semblance of savings too.
Fucking Christ. 13 nosebleeds since that post where I declared I’d be counting them. I feel like I’m on the precipice of fainting at all times. I just want to sleep so I don’t have to deal with this or the risk of fainting, even if it means maybe waking up with a bloody bed. It is an odd day when you get sick of swallowing your own blood.
Nosebleed blog. Again it has begun. It’s time to start a fucking counter up until the time my doctor comes back from god damn vacation and can have a look at this.
More fucking nosebleeds. Are you fucking serious, nose. This is becoming a throwback to that time within the last three years where I had over 50 long and intense nosebleeds (15 minutes minimum erry time) within the period of three days. I need to see a doctor.
Still getting nosebleeds merely from the force of my sneezing. Woke up covered in glitter for some reason. Acquired some give-up-on-life pants. Odd way to start the day, but it could have been worse - especially that I have some Shark Attack and AK47 coming my way later tonight. No updates today, boss.